By Susan Leigh | November 01, 2018
Two recent surveys, one published by Mumsnet and the other by the journal, Archives of Sexual Behaviour, reveal that younger people (those born after 1990) are having less sex than their parents did at a similar age, and even milennial couples are not having an especially passionate time.
In this techie age of dating websites and online relationships have we lost the art of flirting, of reading each other’s body language, being able to pick up the subtleties and nuances that used to be instinctively communicated when we met each other face to face?
These days so many of our relationships are conducted online before we even meet-up with each other in person. Yes, we may have discussed our thoughts and feelings, disclosed a lot of personal information, but often the intimate in-person stuff is missing till much further down the line.
Do you need to be reminded of those intuitive skills? How sexy are you?
When it comes to being sexy, some people may be apprehensive about being affectionate, cautious about being perceived as leading the other person on by kissing, touching and being tactile. They may enjoy being close and loving but don’t want to be misinterpreted as keen to go ‘all the way’. Does foreplay always have to lead to full sexual intercourse? Maybe have a conversation early on and say how you feel, that you do fancy the other person, but that some days you prefer just to be close and affectionate, rather than too intimate. That’s sometimes enough in itself.
Avoid your rejection of sex being taken personally by ensuring that you’re honest, yet sensitive as to your lack of desire for full-on sex. You may be tired, overworked, stressed, completely lacking in interest, energy or enthusiasm for very much right now. This may be acceptable for a while during busy or stressful periods but if that disinterest continues indefinitely it may be valid to speak with your doctor or healthcare professional and have a checkup.
Keep the tactile element of your relationship alive by being romantic. The gestures, hugs, thoughtfulnesses, wanting to sit together, interest in each other’s news, smiling when they come into the room, are all ways to keep the passion and sexy aspect of your relationship alive. A gentle touch as you walk past each other, a natural, relaxed hand on the knee or shoulder, an affectionate gesture as you speak all show the other person that you love and care about them, that you still find them attractive.
Be complimentary about him or her whenever you can. Being sexy is about being their number one fan, not blind or unrealistic about their skills or attributes, but enthusiastic and loyal about them whenever you speak. Praise, affection, attraction are all conveyed in the way you speak and serve to reinforce your connection and intimacy.
Are some aspects of your partner off-putting or unattractive? It may be that they need to pay more attention to their personal hygiene, take a shower, brush their teeth, cut their toe nails, make more of an effort with their grooming or dress sense. A sensitive conversation may be enough to remedy these issues.
Or it may be that your partner has changed, has put on some weight and you’ve become less attracted to them. Is their conversation less stimulating of late, are they too busy to read good books, keep up to date with current affairs, have they lost interest in previously shared activities like walking, theatre, music, eating out? Has your lifestyle got a little out of control?
Talk, have a conversation, explain that you miss the mentally challenging part of your relationship, you miss the companionship and laughter that was such a big part of your relationship. If money or time has a bearing on this try to find effective solutions; alternate babysitting responsibilities with another couple, cook a lovely meal at home where you both shower and dress attractively. Find your best solutions to the problems.
Has your partner become less attentive to your needs, has sex become a routine, perfunctory activity or have things become a little stale? It’s not easy to feel sexy in an unstimulating environment and it may be time to find your voice and offer solutions and ideas as to what you’d like; take the initiative and make some suggestions. Your partner may share your opinion, but have been too nervous to say, found it too difficult to discuss, been hesitant at causing upset or offence.
And there are some health conditions and medications that affect a person’s libido and may warrant a health check up or lifestyle change. If lack of interest in sex, tiredness and overall personality change is consistently evident maybe suggest a visit to the family doctor or prompt a discussion on your overall quality of life and how maintaining your present status quo impacts on your relationship. It may be that some compromises or modifications are in need of being made.
Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.
She’s author of 3 books, ‘Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact’, ‘101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday’ and ‘Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain’, all on Amazon & with easy to read sections, tips and ideas to help you feel more positive about your life.
To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net
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